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Should I dump my husband for lover who left 10 years ago?

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for 18 years and have three amazing children. I’m 39 now and confused. When I was 27 and already married with two kids, I got talking to this younger guy who was working on my house.

We chatted about music and one thing led to another, and he asked me to have dinner with him. I said yes.

We were so attracted to each other we ended up in bed – let’s just say it was the best sex of my life. We continued to sneak out together every day for a year.

However, things turned ugly and he broke it off. His girlfriend got pregnant and my husband found out about us. I’ve never felt emotional pain like it.

My husband left, moving to another part of the country and I thought this other man would come back to me, but he didn’t. So I followed my husband, as I wanted my kids to be with their dad.

I lost contact with this other guy, but there wasn’t a day I didn’t think about him, even when I was being intimate with my husband.

It’s been 10 years since the affair ended and he’s now reached out to me. We’ve been having video calls and it’s like we’ve never been apart.

His relationship is broken, but mine is not, and I wonder if I’m just in love with my past or in love with him.

I feel lonely in my marriage, even though my husband is one of the best men I’ve known. I’ve cheated on him many times, which I’m not proud of.

My ex-lover told me he didn’t want to make any false promises, but I’d agreed to meet him before this epidemic. Consequently, the meeting never happened, but it might have helped me discover what I really felt.

He told me he’s always loved me. I’d like your thoughts.

Coleen says

He doesn’t sound like Mr Reliable having an affair with a married woman while fathering a child with his

girlfriend, then dumping you and disappearing for 10 years. Now his ­relationship hasn’t worked out, he’s back knocking on your door. Is he someone you want to gamble on?

Take him out of the equation for a moment. You say your husband is a great guy but, the fact is, you’ve had many affairs so, as great as he is, he’s obviously not for you.

It feels as if you’re using

him by pursuing excitement elsewhere before returning to the security and stability he provides. And, in a way, he’s enabling you because he takes you back.

I wonder if the only reason you haven’t left him is because you’re ­terrified of being on your own. I think you need to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and ask yourself what you really want in your future. I think you’ll always want more than you have with your husband.

As for the other guy, I think you’d be mad to take him back under any circumstances. It’s an exciting memory from your past, which would be ­impossible to recreate. You might leave your husband for him and then he’d move on in a year’s time.

He’s already admitted he can’t make you any promises.

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