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‘I love my girlfriend but sex is a real no – go area with her’

Dear Coleen

I’m a guy in my 20s and I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year. I’m mad about her and can see us having a future, but intimacy is a real problem.

We’re the same age, but while I’ve been in a couple of ­relationships and had sex a lot, she’s inexperienced and finds it embarrassing to talk about her sexual history.

We’ve never had full sex in the time we’ve been together, although we’ve done other intimate things.

She can’t relax, though, and always pulls away if things are in danger of going “too far”.

I’ve been patient and understanding, and I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she just clams up.

We’ve argued over it, too, but always come back together and the argument is forgotten, and it’s as if nothing has happened. Until the next time!

I really want to be close to her and I want to help her get over this, but I’m running out of ideas. I’ve never been in this situation before – sex has always been easy and enjoyable.

I love her, but it feels as if I’m hitting my head against a brick wall.

Any ideas on what I can do?

Coleen says it’s important to be honest in these situations
(Image: Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Coleen says

I think it’s really up to your girlfriend to open up and be honest with you.

Maybe there’s something in her past that triggers this fear of intimacy.

Or it could be her lack of sexual experience means she has no confidence so, the more she worries about it, the less able she is to relax and enjoy it.

She needs to figure it out or it’ll affect her chances of forming a close, loving relationship.

I know it’s hard to talk about sex, but if you think you’d like to stay with this woman, then it needs to be addressed.

Relationship Drama

But don’t discuss it when you’re being intimate or during an argument – find an opportunity when you’re both relaxed and have the time to get into it.

Give her lots of reassurance that you love and support her and want to make it work. Ask her how you can help to make things easier for her.

If you’re crazy about someone and feel comfortable in their presence, then being intimate should feel natural.

I think your girlfriend needs to be honest with herself and with you about how she really feels and, if she’s buried something that makes sex an issue, then psychosexual counselling would be a good idea.

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